To The Child In Me, I’m Letting You Go

Dear Annisa,

It’s 9pm in Kuala Lumpur and I’m looking out to the city lights thinking of you. I was listening to a song that made me remember Jonatan so much that it made me feel warm inside and loved. I was thinking about publishing a love letter written for an anonymous so anyone in the world can forward it to their loved ones when they relate.

But somehow I thought of you the most.

For a while now I haven’t been really sleeping. There’s always something that’s stuck at the back of my mind that woke me up at 3am? at 5am? I’ve never felt as intense as this before. But maybe back then you didn’t know much, and now I know better. Well… not know, but is more aware.

Like peeling an onion, I strip my thoughts down one by one. In general, I wanted to know what I’m actually anxious about that’s projected to so many worries. I want to befriend my thoughts so I can move on and solve it instead.

To be honest, Annisa, it’s really hard. Because after so many weeks of dwelling, I realise that the source of my anxiety is… you, me, us. It’s not the world, it’s not anyone else, it’s me, and I am embarrassed about it.

I think up until today I haven’t managed to find a way to fully forgive you. Deep inside I really still wondered, what if we knew better back then? Will we be happier today? Will I be writing to you? Will I even be in Kuala Lumpur?

Maybe if you didn’t pee your bed when you’re 7, mama would love you better. Maybe if you eat more vegetables, your body would look better. And maybe, if you stop talking back to papa, he’ll tell you he’s proud of you. Maybe if you weren’t even born at all, they both will still be here: alive.

I am jealous of you.

You get to be a child and live there up in my memories with them. All the laughters, the fights, the fun moments, the trips, you get to cherish all to yourself as you get comfortable in my hippocampus.

While everyday, I have to wake up, keep on growing up and face all this reality by myself.

You could always run around living the same life, and I have to move forwards.

Annisa, please tell them I am scared. This world is full of so many rocks and thorns. These days, rocks and thorns are thrown in many directions! I can be a target at any time. I am scared of this big uncertainty, I am not ready.

It’s also quite a terrain. One day there are hills behind hills, but one day there are just long roads, some days there are hidden holes and I just abruptly fall down. There is no map to guide me through, you just have to stumble and fall. My knees are bruised, my feet are tired, my shoulder is tense, and all I really want is to sleep peacefully. So here I go.

Here I go letting you live inside me, but no more retaliation shall be done towards you. I am consciously leaving your territory alone, I’ll let you have my hippocampus and keep mama and papa happy. All I ask for is to keep the house clean and tidy, also make clear of our boundaries.

I will trust you better now, and I have to move forwards. You cannot keep asking for more attention than I can provide because I have to keep on living our lives and make them proud. You also cannot keep absorbing other people’s energy just to satisfy you or justify your presence, you also cannot keep pushing new people away.

Annisa, this time I need you to trust me too. I am now the grown up, and I am now in charge. I will choose my own path to the future and you will not blame me when I’m wrong. My future is my future, and it has nothing to do with you. I will let you live in me, as long as we’re clear about this.

Also Annisa, this time lets realise that we’re not alone. Look around, they’re all there. Jonatan, family, friends, colleagues, mentors, they’re all there for me. It’s time to take their hands and stop being shy about not knowing. After all, this time I have the “big girls” brain and you know less than I do now. Apparently the more I grow, the more I realise that being helped by other people is the true strength and it will bring me to places we both will not even think we can achieve.

And if one day they leave us too, it means it shall be done. That’s how the world maintains its rotation: by keeping the balance.

I have blamed you for many things, and loved you for other things. You have kept me safe, and warm, and comfortable. But the reality is life is not always comfortable, nor warm, nor safe! So this time let me handle it.

I’ll walk my journey by myself, hand in hand with the ‘present’. Through this letter, I am saying my goodbye, and I’m leaving you at home. You take care of the memories and please let me conquer the world.

From time to time I will think of you, mama, and papa in the memory land. But I will no longer blame you for things, nor be jealous. This time I forgive you because I need to move forwards without anymore baggage.

The roads ahead will be uncertain nor smooth, it will be imperfect and long. But with parting ways with you, I know I can move further, better, stronger.

It’s been good, but I’m finally letting you go.